Why do I still miss him?
Rumination and limerence are a terrible cocktail.
It hits me only when I'm enjoying a moment, then my brain betrays me. It does that stupid thing where it nags instinctively me that "he would have thought that was funny" as if I there wasn't a horrible fallout that I know he regretted over the years. I did too, but accepted that there was no coming back from that.
It's not that I miss him specifically. I miss who I was with him. And seeing this little gif show up reminded me that we'd watched all of DBZA together while it was still being made.
Then I wondered if you got to see the Buu Bits in 2023, and then caught myself.
We bonded over anime, games, TV shows, how silly my dad could be during poker games. He was my childhood crush who didn't even notice me until he became my dad's friend nearly a decade after I thought I was over it.
The good days I remember were when he'd call me instead of texting every little thought 'because it's faster to just call' (it wasn't). When date night meant sneaking our little shots into the movie theatre pop and judge the latest MCU title, before heading out to the waterfront to just talk and be around each other without 'our crews' since they didn't get along. That's where a lot of the arguments came from that turned stupid little trifles into tumultuous milestones. Or both of us glossing over the others insecurities until the other cried.
Somehow, that balanced out so there were days we'd just snuggle on the couch after college/work with his dog and say absolutely nothing for hours. We still enjoyed ourselves. Going out to party lost it's appeal for awhile, until our addictions resurfaced to drag us apart. I knew it was going to end at some point, but it still hurts that it did.
There's no regrets on my end.
But there's still that annoying moment of the day, almost 10 years after he left. And 2 since he's left this world. I'm now the age he was when he died from his vices, and can't help but wonder why he still occupies a little corner of my mind.
I've had only 3 'serious' relationships in my 30+ years, and am unmarried, no kids. Dog mom here, and Nappa is 10 and doesn't like meeting new people, so I don't see myself finding anyone any time soon, or ever again. Which probably doesn't help.
Especially when the question was originally why do I still miss him?
I don't know, but I care that I do.
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